Yesterday I heard this quote on TikTok: “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager”. It stuck with me and instead of seeking to “build community” I want to practice being a villager regardless of which community space I’m in. Thank you for your words they left me with much to think about
I find myself with much to say — therefore I will say less by only saying this: there are those who look for community and there are those who contribute to community. One seeks validation through cultivation — the other cultivates as a collective. It’s almost a lost art how we used to truly care for one another sustainably. I’m glad you are finding your places and spaces.
I’m finally able to realize those spaces surround me after getting outta my own way and getting back to the basics. Looking for vs contributing to is a very succinct way of putting it! I do wanna know your extended thoughts tho!
This needs to be said repeatedly! I also realized this same energy when it comes to community building. On social media, the aesthetics bring the audience and too many folks are trying to mirror someone else's life they know nothing about.
I agree with you about getting off the platforms to find local community. It's always been there but in the social media age, there is pressure to show up here as well. But I have screamed this several times that you have to go outside and talk to people. Go outside and see what the fuck is going on because we have real lives off the apps. The people we're looking for and the opportunities are not always here. The rest we need should not always include devices held between our hands. Yes, its beneficial to reach a wider audience this way but many of us live in major cities or very close to at least one. You just gotta go see what's up.
Humans are way too complex. I've met people that crave softness but also found it as their weakness. The trauma + drama has hardened them and they question if the genuine love + support they receive can be trusted. I get that but we're human and we have to be mindful of our expectations in others.
Love, this was such a great read. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you Alex! 🤗 And the pressure to show up online is so dang heavy that the tangible seems out of reach. I like the way you put it “just gotta go see what’s up.” It’s so simple but somehow it’s become so difficult. And whew being mindful of our expectations in others is a whole sermon! I appreciate your words so much. 🫶🏽 thank you for reading!
thank you for this. as a survivor of abuse i have so much fear surrounding community because community is where i was harmed. abusers and enablers are everywhere. your writing gave me a glimmer of hope.
In my experience, community begins with uncomfortable moments. I’m not saying it was always that way.
But in modern society where children are raised not on “find the helpers” but rather on “stranger danger” and a group of random strangers in a like interest group on Facebook or Reddit feels more like community than your own neighbors, even saying hi to the person who moved in to your building or next door becomes an “uncomfortable moment.”
Community isn’t a picture on social media. Community looks more like the friend who heard I was having surgery and asked how I was getting to it. She knows I don’t have a car. I didn’t have to ask. The next day, we exchanged a bag of produce for some canned goods to take to a local pantry she maintains. It’s actually how we met. I had a surplus of canned food and she had written an opinion piece for the local paper. I reached out. Damn I was nervous. That was over a year ago.
I’m building. But it’s work. And most people have been conditioned that if it doesn’t make “instagrammable” or “hashtag!!” it’s not worth doing. Because real community building doesn’t show up much online because it’s messy and awkward as real life often is.
I agree with your view Willow that community begins with uncomfortable moments. Unfortunately, we've become uncomfortable around people and having conversations. Online we can pause, think about what we want to say, delete words that don't feel right, and so on. It's definitely more comfortable than stumbling over words or literally trippin over yourself.
I love that she became someone you could rely on and someone who expresses care. Thank you for sharing an example of how you're experiencing community. I have hope that the deep longing for connections will lead us to being more comfortable as ourselves with the company of others. I think the thinkers and deep feelers are finally feeling the need to embrace the messy and the awkward. I hope the young people are too.
Thank you for your comment, Jaz! Community was going on way before capitalism. Nobody was thinking about the "cost" of being in community. The language you use, to me come across as community being a burden, something that always come at a cost whether it's time, emotional, financial, etc. While that used to be the case for me, I no longer subscribe to that type of mentality. That was the case when I was "building community" hence the title. The idea of building anything comes at a cost, all of which include materials, labor, money etc. The point of this piece is to highlight the action of being in community.
I host my friends and neighbors! They show up, bring board games, snacks that they already had, we provide drinks, and we vibe. It costs nothing. Living costs, can't avoid that, and sharing resources save. I am apart of communities too that I do not pay for. What community looks like for me has expanded. Sure, it requires effort but that's in any type of relationship. As far as a library hosting a free event, how those people get paid ain't got nothing to do with my pockets. That's their effort and desire to put on an event. Point is it's free to attend, so show up.
But if your experience of community cost, I cannot say otherwise. Our experiences are different and that's fine. What works for you, works for you! And I know that's the reality for many.
This hit me so hard. I've been trying to build community for years, and it never seemed to work. I would find myself falling back on the same four people, because I couldn't manage to hold onto anyone new. And I feel like it's because no one is willing to be uncomfortable with each other. We all want to be perfectly compatible immediately, and that is not possible. This really shifted my frame on how to engage with humans in a more compassionate mode.
This is beautiful and I appreciate your realness. This is a refreshing take on the concept of community and has me excited to go to the library again, and get introduced to more neighbors.
Between the mental health industry convincing many of us — especially us white folks — that it is best if we just focus on our individual selves and colonial powers that convince us that our neighbors are our enemies, it seems that the inevitable fate of the collective is division. It is unsurprising that everyone feels alone yet has this fascination with community.
Truth be told, I simply saw the title of your article and felt my defenses go up. For years, I’ve been obsessed with building community and yet I’m no further along in doing so. I’m so keen on returning to natural ways of being, but I was so divided internally that I could not see that community is natural. Like you said, it is not something you seek out. It just is. It just happens.
But the world around us is mostly synthetic. Like you said and put perfectly, social media curates the aesthetic that life could and should look a particular way. That these synthetic spaces are where community is built, when in actuality, it keeps us from living life and simply being. And it all continues to feed the very cycles, systems, industries that profit from our division — and the fact we tried to feel fulfilled through superficial events and material things rather than speaking to a neighbor on the street.
This shit is wild. And I’m grateful to let the wild be, for the opportunity to read your words, and to join you and saying 🖕 to building community.
Thankful that you felt connected to my words, take on community, and vulnerability. I feel the shift from individualism to collectivism and also see it in play more. There is still a loneliness epidemic, but I am hopeful that the more of us that break free from oppressive programming the more hands are outstretched for others to take hold. Excited for you Drae to explore the natural and brave ways of being in community. Let the wild be. yes, absolutely I love that!
This really resonated with me as I think more about what community means to me, what I’d genuinely like to be part of, and what my role in it might be. I recently wrote a piece called “The Price of Admission” about how being annoyed is often just the cost of doing meaningful work together especially in nature restoration, where the real challenge is rarely the land, and almost always the people!
Your honesty here is refreshing. The tension between craving community and actually committing to the mess of it feels so familiar. Thank you for writing this!
I love this!!! I always feel comforted when I remember that community was strong before (and relatively recently, at that) and that pockets of it still exist. Here’s to being participants in communities again!
Thanks for this. I see a lot of people lately talking about building community but it doesn’t seem like a lot of people have any idea what that actually looks like in practice. When it’s brought up, it almost seems more like an abstract idea but the inner longing for “community” is there.
I think you outlined the differences between community and friends pretty well here.
I absolutely love this. I am 61 know about what you speak and my heart breaks for the times we are in where it is difficult to even have a "hang out" once a month just to be.
I’ve observed something interesting. I live in London and I’m of Ugandan heritage. Being the first generation to be born outside of Uganda links me to many young black people here in a silent solidarity almost. I think since the density of skinfolk is so much lighter here a kind of default community structure has existed. The issue however is people don’t be talking over here so the conversations that refine and help all be in the same page don’t happen. This leads to rather warped interpretations of community dynamics and basically end up at a point you did whilst listening to your grandparents.
I have lived all over London and been back to Uganda almost every year I’ve been alive. I have observed several community dynamics and personally draw on what I see in the villages of Uganda and what my parents n their siblings have.
Really enjoyed this peace and you have a way with words that makes it soooo fun and easy to read!
I would love to visit Uganda one day especially tight knit villages. I can't say I know much about Uganda or London, but I appreciate you sharing your perspective. Would you say that the community structure is more so grounded in respite/enjoyment and safety instead of movement and revolution? Do you think the two can coexist in the communities you are a part of and if so what would that look like? I'm thinking of these questions myself as I'm going through a major shift.
Also thank you! I appreciate your compliment so much!
Thank you for this. Such an honest perspective of what actually goes into building community. I am happy there is a conversation coming up about the difficult side of it. I feel like for years this part was never mentioned and it kind of left people confused and feeling inadequate about building community. I really liked the part about giving people 5 minutes of undistracted time. I ran into a neighbour recently and we spoke for about 15 minutes. The first 3 minutes I wanted to leave but she ended up offering my a bike for my 4 year old.
Tisha, I love that!! Glad you stayed and allowed yourself to continue the conversation even if you wanted to leave. Getting past that initial discomfort or shortened attention span is the first battle! But after the five minute mark something happens and conversation just flows a little bit easier. Thank you for sharing.
Yesterday I heard this quote on TikTok: “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager”. It stuck with me and instead of seeking to “build community” I want to practice being a villager regardless of which community space I’m in. Thank you for your words they left me with much to think about
Thank you for sharing your presence in this space. I hope those thoughts lead you to where you want to go and of course with an open heart 🫶🏽
I am getting there too. Although both can exist at the same time - building community and being the villager in whatever community we are in.
I find myself with much to say — therefore I will say less by only saying this: there are those who look for community and there are those who contribute to community. One seeks validation through cultivation — the other cultivates as a collective. It’s almost a lost art how we used to truly care for one another sustainably. I’m glad you are finding your places and spaces.
I’m finally able to realize those spaces surround me after getting outta my own way and getting back to the basics. Looking for vs contributing to is a very succinct way of putting it! I do wanna know your extended thoughts tho!
Perhaps I shall rant about this in a post as well. This topic has been on my mind lately, so seeing this might be the sign it’s time to speak on it.
The rant has been ranted. https://open.substack.com/pub/tabithablair/p/why-we-keep-fucking-up-community?r=2l5tct&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Sage! You told no lies!😮💨🙏🏽♥️
This needs to be said repeatedly! I also realized this same energy when it comes to community building. On social media, the aesthetics bring the audience and too many folks are trying to mirror someone else's life they know nothing about.
I agree with you about getting off the platforms to find local community. It's always been there but in the social media age, there is pressure to show up here as well. But I have screamed this several times that you have to go outside and talk to people. Go outside and see what the fuck is going on because we have real lives off the apps. The people we're looking for and the opportunities are not always here. The rest we need should not always include devices held between our hands. Yes, its beneficial to reach a wider audience this way but many of us live in major cities or very close to at least one. You just gotta go see what's up.
Humans are way too complex. I've met people that crave softness but also found it as their weakness. The trauma + drama has hardened them and they question if the genuine love + support they receive can be trusted. I get that but we're human and we have to be mindful of our expectations in others.
Love, this was such a great read. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you Alex! 🤗 And the pressure to show up online is so dang heavy that the tangible seems out of reach. I like the way you put it “just gotta go see what’s up.” It’s so simple but somehow it’s become so difficult. And whew being mindful of our expectations in others is a whole sermon! I appreciate your words so much. 🫶🏽 thank you for reading!
thank you for this. as a survivor of abuse i have so much fear surrounding community because community is where i was harmed. abusers and enablers are everywhere. your writing gave me a glimmer of hope.
So many of us have been. I’m glad i could help restore a bit of hope ✨
In my experience, community begins with uncomfortable moments. I’m not saying it was always that way.
But in modern society where children are raised not on “find the helpers” but rather on “stranger danger” and a group of random strangers in a like interest group on Facebook or Reddit feels more like community than your own neighbors, even saying hi to the person who moved in to your building or next door becomes an “uncomfortable moment.”
Community isn’t a picture on social media. Community looks more like the friend who heard I was having surgery and asked how I was getting to it. She knows I don’t have a car. I didn’t have to ask. The next day, we exchanged a bag of produce for some canned goods to take to a local pantry she maintains. It’s actually how we met. I had a surplus of canned food and she had written an opinion piece for the local paper. I reached out. Damn I was nervous. That was over a year ago.
I’m building. But it’s work. And most people have been conditioned that if it doesn’t make “instagrammable” or “hashtag!!” it’s not worth doing. Because real community building doesn’t show up much online because it’s messy and awkward as real life often is.
I agree with your view Willow that community begins with uncomfortable moments. Unfortunately, we've become uncomfortable around people and having conversations. Online we can pause, think about what we want to say, delete words that don't feel right, and so on. It's definitely more comfortable than stumbling over words or literally trippin over yourself.
I love that she became someone you could rely on and someone who expresses care. Thank you for sharing an example of how you're experiencing community. I have hope that the deep longing for connections will lead us to being more comfortable as ourselves with the company of others. I think the thinkers and deep feelers are finally feeling the need to embrace the messy and the awkward. I hope the young people are too.
I agree with this on so many levels. We don’t have to pay for community - point blank period.
PERIOD! Whether i got it or not, I don’t want to pay!
Thank you for your comment, Jaz! Community was going on way before capitalism. Nobody was thinking about the "cost" of being in community. The language you use, to me come across as community being a burden, something that always come at a cost whether it's time, emotional, financial, etc. While that used to be the case for me, I no longer subscribe to that type of mentality. That was the case when I was "building community" hence the title. The idea of building anything comes at a cost, all of which include materials, labor, money etc. The point of this piece is to highlight the action of being in community.
I host my friends and neighbors! They show up, bring board games, snacks that they already had, we provide drinks, and we vibe. It costs nothing. Living costs, can't avoid that, and sharing resources save. I am apart of communities too that I do not pay for. What community looks like for me has expanded. Sure, it requires effort but that's in any type of relationship. As far as a library hosting a free event, how those people get paid ain't got nothing to do with my pockets. That's their effort and desire to put on an event. Point is it's free to attend, so show up.
But if your experience of community cost, I cannot say otherwise. Our experiences are different and that's fine. What works for you, works for you! And I know that's the reality for many.
This hit me so hard. I've been trying to build community for years, and it never seemed to work. I would find myself falling back on the same four people, because I couldn't manage to hold onto anyone new. And I feel like it's because no one is willing to be uncomfortable with each other. We all want to be perfectly compatible immediately, and that is not possible. This really shifted my frame on how to engage with humans in a more compassionate mode.
Thank you so much for this perspective. I wonder what "building community" looks like in a world post-truth and post-nuance.
Me too. We can envision and dream build together Jupi! I do know that I am beginning to navigate through it myself. Keep you posted!
This is beautiful and I appreciate your realness. This is a refreshing take on the concept of community and has me excited to go to the library again, and get introduced to more neighbors.
Between the mental health industry convincing many of us — especially us white folks — that it is best if we just focus on our individual selves and colonial powers that convince us that our neighbors are our enemies, it seems that the inevitable fate of the collective is division. It is unsurprising that everyone feels alone yet has this fascination with community.
Truth be told, I simply saw the title of your article and felt my defenses go up. For years, I’ve been obsessed with building community and yet I’m no further along in doing so. I’m so keen on returning to natural ways of being, but I was so divided internally that I could not see that community is natural. Like you said, it is not something you seek out. It just is. It just happens.
But the world around us is mostly synthetic. Like you said and put perfectly, social media curates the aesthetic that life could and should look a particular way. That these synthetic spaces are where community is built, when in actuality, it keeps us from living life and simply being. And it all continues to feed the very cycles, systems, industries that profit from our division — and the fact we tried to feel fulfilled through superficial events and material things rather than speaking to a neighbor on the street.
This shit is wild. And I’m grateful to let the wild be, for the opportunity to read your words, and to join you and saying 🖕 to building community.
Thankful that you felt connected to my words, take on community, and vulnerability. I feel the shift from individualism to collectivism and also see it in play more. There is still a loneliness epidemic, but I am hopeful that the more of us that break free from oppressive programming the more hands are outstretched for others to take hold. Excited for you Drae to explore the natural and brave ways of being in community. Let the wild be. yes, absolutely I love that!
This really resonated with me as I think more about what community means to me, what I’d genuinely like to be part of, and what my role in it might be. I recently wrote a piece called “The Price of Admission” about how being annoyed is often just the cost of doing meaningful work together especially in nature restoration, where the real challenge is rarely the land, and almost always the people!
Your honesty here is refreshing. The tension between craving community and actually committing to the mess of it feels so familiar. Thank you for writing this!
I love this!!! I always feel comforted when I remember that community was strong before (and relatively recently, at that) and that pockets of it still exist. Here’s to being participants in communities again!
Thanks for this. I see a lot of people lately talking about building community but it doesn’t seem like a lot of people have any idea what that actually looks like in practice. When it’s brought up, it almost seems more like an abstract idea but the inner longing for “community” is there.
I think you outlined the differences between community and friends pretty well here.
Thank you, Jennifer! It's often abstract or too specific. Like y'all lets be in the grey a little bit!
Yes!!! Absolutely.
This! This! This! You put my feelings into words. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for reading! I know so many of us are feeling the same way.
I absolutely love this. I am 61 know about what you speak and my heart breaks for the times we are in where it is difficult to even have a "hang out" once a month just to be.
Thank you Audrey for your perspective! It breaks my heart too. I remain hopeful ✨
I’ve observed something interesting. I live in London and I’m of Ugandan heritage. Being the first generation to be born outside of Uganda links me to many young black people here in a silent solidarity almost. I think since the density of skinfolk is so much lighter here a kind of default community structure has existed. The issue however is people don’t be talking over here so the conversations that refine and help all be in the same page don’t happen. This leads to rather warped interpretations of community dynamics and basically end up at a point you did whilst listening to your grandparents.
I have lived all over London and been back to Uganda almost every year I’ve been alive. I have observed several community dynamics and personally draw on what I see in the villages of Uganda and what my parents n their siblings have.
Really enjoyed this peace and you have a way with words that makes it soooo fun and easy to read!
I would love to visit Uganda one day especially tight knit villages. I can't say I know much about Uganda or London, but I appreciate you sharing your perspective. Would you say that the community structure is more so grounded in respite/enjoyment and safety instead of movement and revolution? Do you think the two can coexist in the communities you are a part of and if so what would that look like? I'm thinking of these questions myself as I'm going through a major shift.
Also thank you! I appreciate your compliment so much!
Thank you for this. Such an honest perspective of what actually goes into building community. I am happy there is a conversation coming up about the difficult side of it. I feel like for years this part was never mentioned and it kind of left people confused and feeling inadequate about building community. I really liked the part about giving people 5 minutes of undistracted time. I ran into a neighbour recently and we spoke for about 15 minutes. The first 3 minutes I wanted to leave but she ended up offering my a bike for my 4 year old.
Tisha, I love that!! Glad you stayed and allowed yourself to continue the conversation even if you wanted to leave. Getting past that initial discomfort or shortened attention span is the first battle! But after the five minute mark something happens and conversation just flows a little bit easier. Thank you for sharing.