Why I Said F*ck Building Community

Me to you:

This is not a piece of paper, but my arm extending across the damn miles between us to hold you and hug you with all the strength we have had to gain from the pain. - Pat Parker to Audre Lorde in Sister Love: The Letters of Audre Lorde and Pat Parker 1974-1989

Where We Are

The topic of community has been heavily discussed lately. What it means, how it looks, what it should feel like, and so on. We have collectively been starving for it so of course we gone speak on it. But community used to be engrained in daily life, not something one had to seek out. Of course, historically there has always been differing levels of accessibility but with the current demands of the grind, we as a society do not prioritize rest and connection.

So, like everybody else, I ask, when you think about community what comes to mind? Where did you see this version of community? Did you experience it in the past? Did you conjure up this vision yourself? What is your current experience? Really think about it and I urge you to write down your answers.

For several years, I’ll say once I started my deep healing journey, I lost connections chasing myself. I got so wrapped up in digging through the darkness that I was blind to the presence of other people’s light. I found myself in isolation and loneliness. Then my vision of community became curated by what people posted on social media, namely Instagram. Well edited videos with beautiful songs attached that market community like it’s something that costs. Like it’s something you have to mold, structure, and build. Events with table placements, balloons and decor, the right aesthetically pleasing ambiance, and people as props. Community has become kin to content, let the false life of socials tell it. Still, I wanted that and when I couldn’t find it in the way I saw it for others, or it was inaccessible, I convinced myself I had to build it.

There is a difference between friends/homies, and community. When I say community, I’m talking people you can lean on, share interests with, learn from, gather together without pressure. Specifically, people who share a geographic location who can grow alongside you and fill in gaps of need. We show up and support each other on our journeys. Not a structure that requires building, more like a garden that requires tending. Watering each other, tending to each other’s weeds, and sharing what we sprout. Friends are the ones that go deep into the roots and ensure your soul has the proper nutrients to grow. If need be, they’ll pick ya ass right on up and take you somewhere else if you don’t have space to grow. In simple terms, they listen to your needs on a deeper level. They will check on you at all hours of the night. They know what makes you tick and what brings you the most joy. You travel, plan, and do the random daily life together, even if virtually. Distance doesn’t matter with friends.

Both are hard to sustain because we have developed a culture of cutting off, ghosting, and canceling. Nuance has been banned from the conversation and time to allow others to grow from lessons has significantly lessened. One thing the comments on social media has proven is that we are absolutely delusional. We create full narratives about people and situations based on headlines, captions, and thirty second snippets. Our opinions somehow become fact, and we double down on it as truth because other people affirm us as right. We then actually move like that in real life. We justify discarding people believing that our viewpoint and the limited information we have is enough. We give up easily because we have been conditioned by twenty-year-old tiktok experts that pain does not belong in relationships when in actuality pain is inevitable.

Where We’ve Been

So, when I say fuck building community, I mean it. I reached this realization talking to my grandparents, reading Sister Love: The Letters of Audre Lorde and Pat Parker 1974-1989, researching different black histories, and reminiscing on my childhood. We have always been in community together. Tethered by pain and oppression yet we have always gathered for celebration, escape, storytelling, and learning. We are each other’s resource. Historically we got together at community centers, libraries, impromptu block parties, and of course house parties. Payment was in the form of good vibes, dominoes, cards, and of course a little drama.

To be very clear, when I say Black folk, I never exclude us lgbtqia+ folks. We ain’t separate and I don’t compartmentalize. There are many nuances, especially historically, yet still we always found one another someway, somehow. I acknowledge that this is not the case for everyone. There exists no such thing as absolutes in the human experience.

Something happened though when I began to talk to my grandparents about their pasts. My heart settled upon their hands as they created vivid pictures from tongue to fingertips. Hands moved in painted expressions. I listened with my whole body, absorbing it all in. From the parties they always had, the trips they went on, the neighborhood kids they looked after, the bingo halls visited, school games and plays attended, rodeos had, to all the homes that were open, I realized even deeper how starved young adults are for community.

Many of us have terrible and traumatic experiences in spaces that exhausted us but initially promised community. We have been bullied into not showing up and we crave softness. Softness in the sense of holding each other’s flaws and perfections, hurts and happiness with a commitment to understanding and love. Really, we want humans without baggage. But baby, even if the baggage ain’t on you, it’s in you and in them. You can’t erase what was even if you think you’ve healed from it. Humans are complex and we must understand that yes, we deserve the community we envision, and we must be flexible in embracing the community that is around us.

Many of us don’t know what it looks like organically in practice in today’s world. Plus, the economic state of our pockets is dire. We don’t have the funds to survive comfortably let alone travel or pay to go to public events especially when we don’t know who all gone be there. The biggest factor I suspect, is that many of us no longer live in the same cities we grew up in unlike older generations. We move and settle elsewhere so we don’t have grade school friendships to rely on or family friends from the neighborhood to bond with. We have coworkers and if we’re lucky we actually like some of ‘em enough to gather outside of work. So the question remains, then how the hell do we find community?

Where We Must Go

Community does not have to exist in large numbers. It can begin small and grow as connections cross and new paths to homes are made. I truly feel we must get back to house gatherings without cameras, attending free workshops hosted by public libraries. Sitting in at author readings hosted by community centers and visiting local cafes. Going to accessible hiking spots and parks and joining clubs/sports clubs. Doing what you love in public AND speaking to strangers. It’s time we channel the level of interest as children. Watch a child at the park or social setting. Even if they arrive as the only child, before leaving they will have found playmates. They will know facts about each other and speak it without hesitation.

It is imperative that we move away from fearing strangers and move toward each other as neighbors. Return to talking to and being interested in the people around us whether they look like you or not. Be nosy because in essence it’s a form of care. I think about how my papa and dad knows almost everyone on their block. They introduce themselves and look out for things out of the ordinary. They talk casually and support each other. The relationships ain’t deep but they are consistent. We are meant to be together not separate. We transition from survival to living when we are the safe space for each other to land. We must accept invitations and continue to give them. There is risk but there also exist great reward. We don’t need a plan, theme, giveaways, or gifts. We just need you.

I also want to add that hosting is obviously an option. Providing an opportunity for people to gather based on a common interest is necessary. That takes effort too. There is always effort involved when it comes to being in community. You just have to decide your role in your hood’s ecosystem. No matter what, the first step is to show up.

What’s Stopping You

I want you to practice radical honesty with yourself about if you are actually blocking yourself from community because of strict guidelines. Our experiences are valid and often act as our alarm systems when we come across people that resemble harm from folk in the past. We tense up and become hesitant, often to the point of avoidance, to advance with the possibility of being in community together. I’ve found genuine support in the most unlikely of people and those I thought would be solid turned out to be fakes or manipulative.

All of the writers, artists, and prolific leaders we revere had an eclectic community. The connection was soulful not just earthly. Often people want a pretty community that interests the algorithm. We don’t want the messy, the awkward, the different, or the complicated. That ain’t real.

How to Show Up

Have the expectation that every single person is problematic and every single person has a shared point of deep interest. Now it is your choice to choose which to attach to. Expect conflict to arise and working through it to be trying. Now it is your choice to practice communication even with people who may not know how. Expect to be disappointed in people and to disappoint others and yourself. Now it is your choice to practice grace. Expect an infinite number of possibilities of positive and negative experiences. Now it is your choice to show up anyway.

Identify a point of interest that means the world to you, for me that is writing, then seek out any and every opportunity to engage in that thing. Challenge yourself to talk to at least two unknown neighbors for more than five minutes without distraction. I challenge myself to keep my phone in my pocket the entire time. Think about your barriers and create a challenge that directly combats that. For example, I struggle with talking to white folk. My interest in anything to do with them is limited. I am used to Black folk and am cool with that. In truth though, I know that keeps my own growth and possibilities limited. So, I challenged myself to connect with the old gay white man that expressed he was an artist and talk to the young transman that is struggling to write. Both conversations lasted more than five minutes and one concluded with exchanging contact information. I listen and identify people I have an affinity with that I cannot see or assume. It’s uncomfortable but it has brought color to my otherwise lonely grey world.

I challenge you to stop trying so damn hard to build community. I mean unless you see people as building blocks to pick and choose for a pretty picture. Then in that case build away brick by brick and know the foundation is sinking soil. I can only hope that you don’t get buried underneath.

As always,
With Love, Sage